Telthorst.net

The AFL-CIO has attempted to gain a foothold in Santa’s Workshop for decades, now the Elves have finally voted, and the local NP-1 will be the exclusive bargaining agent for Santa’s little helpers.  Although the jurisdiction of a United States agency at the north pole was the topic of debate for several years, both parties have agreed that the NLRB will serve as the official regulatory body of collective bargaining for the North Pole, and Santa’s Workshop.  Workshop director and executive officer Yibbly Pimpernelle had this to say:

“We regret that the rank-and-file Elves have chosen collective bargaining, preventing Santa’s management team from working directly with it’s employees, however, we respect the Elves right to unionize and engage in concerted activity.”

It has been unclear what implications a union-Workshop could have on the popular worldwide holiday, some experts believe that Christmas in the United States could be severely impacted by the move.  One expert close to the situation, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated that, “I think it’s clear that the productivity of Santa’s Workshop has decreased as a result of the unionization campaign. Both management and rank-and-file have been focusing on this issue for several months now, and it would be highly unlikely that it has not disrupted toy-production. We know that on several occasions, a significant number of elves have put down their tools, and walked out of the workshop, in an effort to get Santa to recognize the union.”

A rare shot of the North Pole Workshop

Niber Juckles, an elf who works on a toy-block assembly line, is pleased with the progress.  “I think it’s about time Santa started listening to his helpers, and that our hours and working conditions improve.  Last year between December 15^th and December 25^th, I put in 239 hours, with no bonus or overtime pay.  And that’s even after Santa slashed the piece-rate from two crusts of bread per thousand blocks to one crust of bread per thousand blocks.”

Other Elves are not so sure, one elf, speaking on the condition of anonymity, was concerned.  “I’ve witnessed the evolution of the Santa model over the years.  He’s really decided to move away from the production side of Christmas.  I’m seeing it more and more each year; Santa serving as a consultant to parents, or outsourcing production of high-tech electronics such as the iPod or Wii, to Apple and Nintendo.  I’d like more money too, but I think we’re going to see a significant number of jobs moving away from the North Pole if Santa is forced to pay higher wages.”

Although the union has been recognized, the first collective bargaining agreement has yet to be ratified.  Some of the issues being negotiated include working hours, workshop safety, and profit-sharing, specifically, a percentage of all Christmas Cookies left for Santa.  Sangi Bittersnack has been particularly passionate about the latter issue for years, “I know he wouldn’t be so fat if he shared some of those cookies.”  Although Santa was not available for comment, insiders claim that he is considering changing Christmas to a bi-annual holiday, and ending St. Nicholas day.  An expert close to Telthorst.net had this to say, “Clearly there are going to need to be changes for Santa’s operation to remain economically viable.  I’m not saying what is right or wrong, certainly a union contract will help the elves that do keep their job, but unions don’t make companies more efficient.”

*This is a satirical post.*

I live just down the road from a swine research institute, it’s annoying when the wind is from the wrong direction, but if the pigs could end up killing me, that would not be okay.  However, H1N1 colloquially known as” Swine Flu,” isn’t actually just Swine flu, and as I understand it from reading the center for disease control’s website, wikipedia, and various new posts, there are no known cases in which H1N1 goes from Pigs to Humans.

A butcher moves to slaughter a piglet as part of the Egyptian Swine Culling (AP Photo/Nasser Nouri)¹²

Swine influenza virus (SIV), also confusingly known as “Swine Flu,” can pass from Pigs to Humans, however, the “Swine Flue” (H1N1) that everyone is worried about is actually a combination of two SIV strains, one strain of human influenza virus, and one strain of avian influenza virus.³⁴

So while H1N1 does have similarities with swine influenza virus, it isn’t just swine influenza virus, so before you go Egyptian on every pig you see, know that it won’t necessarily do any good, and you’ll waste a lot of pork.

And if you are wearing a hazmat suit and living in a self-imposed quarantine, at least one article states that “Swine flu may be less potent than first feared.”

1. http://online.wsj.com/video/egypt-slaughters-pigs-to-avoid-swine-flu/0F07C3FC-6B1C-40FA-81FD-6AA4BEEE935C.html [↩]
2. http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/slideshow/ALeqM5jVjq5eEi7w7p4zgIjnSIiBIZ7RkQD97TEKMO0?index=0 [↩]
3. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swine_flu [↩]
4. http://cdc.gov/h1n1flu/swineflu_you.htm [↩]