Telthorst.net

The AFL-CIO has attempted to gain a foothold in Santa’s Workshop for decades, now the Elves have finally voted, and the local NP-1 will be the exclusive bargaining agent for Santa’s little helpers.  Although the jurisdiction of a United States agency at the north pole was the topic of debate for several years, both parties have agreed that the NLRB will serve as the official regulatory body of collective bargaining for the North Pole, and Santa’s Workshop.  Workshop director and executive officer Yibbly Pimpernelle had this to say:

“We regret that the rank-and-file Elves have chosen collective bargaining, preventing Santa’s management team from working directly with it’s employees, however, we respect the Elves right to unionize and engage in concerted activity.”

It has been unclear what implications a union-Workshop could have on the popular worldwide holiday, some experts believe that Christmas in the United States could be severely impacted by the move.  One expert close to the situation, speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated that, “I think it’s clear that the productivity of Santa’s Workshop has decreased as a result of the unionization campaign. Both management and rank-and-file have been focusing on this issue for several months now, and it would be highly unlikely that it has not disrupted toy-production. We know that on several occasions, a significant number of elves have put down their tools, and walked out of the workshop, in an effort to get Santa to recognize the union.”

A rare shot of the North Pole Workshop

Niber Juckles, an elf who works on a toy-block assembly line, is pleased with the progress.  “I think it’s about time Santa started listening to his helpers, and that our hours and working conditions improve.  Last year between December 15^th and December 25^th, I put in 239 hours, with no bonus or overtime pay.  And that’s even after Santa slashed the piece-rate from two crusts of bread per thousand blocks to one crust of bread per thousand blocks.”

Other Elves are not so sure, one elf, speaking on the condition of anonymity, was concerned.  “I’ve witnessed the evolution of the Santa model over the years.  He’s really decided to move away from the production side of Christmas.  I’m seeing it more and more each year; Santa serving as a consultant to parents, or outsourcing production of high-tech electronics such as the iPod or Wii, to Apple and Nintendo.  I’d like more money too, but I think we’re going to see a significant number of jobs moving away from the North Pole if Santa is forced to pay higher wages.”

Although the union has been recognized, the first collective bargaining agreement has yet to be ratified.  Some of the issues being negotiated include working hours, workshop safety, and profit-sharing, specifically, a percentage of all Christmas Cookies left for Santa.  Sangi Bittersnack has been particularly passionate about the latter issue for years, “I know he wouldn’t be so fat if he shared some of those cookies.”  Although Santa was not available for comment, insiders claim that he is considering changing Christmas to a bi-annual holiday, and ending St. Nicholas day.  An expert close to Telthorst.net had this to say, “Clearly there are going to need to be changes for Santa’s operation to remain economically viable.  I’m not saying what is right or wrong, certainly a union contract will help the elves that do keep their job, but unions don’t make companies more efficient.”

*This is a satirical post.*

From the Wall Street Journal:

Officials gather in Copenhagen this week for an international climate summit, but business leaders are focusing even more on Washington, where the Obama administration is expected as early as Monday to formally declare carbon dioxide a dangerous pollutant.¹

The Obama administration has also determined that humans, along with many other animals, exhale this dangerous pollutant, CO2.  Therefore, in addition to widespread taxes on heating, air conditioning, electricity, and other comforts, there will be a cap on how much CO2 an individual will be able to exhale.  Individuals that exceed the quota will be fined.  However, not all businesses or people are upset by the new legislation.  Climate change prophet Al Gore and several of his acolytes have developed a wearable CO2 mask (pictured below) that will trap and store exhaled CO2.  Gore is hailing the legislation as “long overdue,” “what must be done,” “good for business,” and “convenient.”

The mask themselves will cost $1,000, and capsules that store the CO2 will cost $50, these capsules should last approximately 22 hours under normal operating conditions.  When asked if profiting from a global “crisis,” was unethical, and perhaps even capitalistic, the multimillionaire, Gore had this to say:

“I am very happy to be able to offer these masks at a such an affordable rate.  Much of the proceeds will go towards global climate change awareness initiatives, such as when I fly around in my private, fossil fuel burning plane and give PowerPoint presentations.”

The removable storage capsules for the masks, when full, can be returned to Gore’s temple for CO2 storage and capsule recycling.  When asked why Gore did not wear the mask, he stated that he was rich enough to purchase climate indulgences, also known as carbon credits, so that he offsets his carbon exhalation, adding that his firm also sells these indulgences, the proceeds of which also go towards raising global warming awareness initiatives.

*This is a satirical post.*

However, the quote from the Wall Street Journal is real, and Al Gore has profited a  great deal from a “climate change hysteria.”

1. http://online.wsj.com/article/SB126013960013179181.html?mod=WSJ_hps_MIDDLESecondNews#articleTabs=article [↩]