Bob (left) hung out with "Fred" (right) for months, racking up fines in excess of $5,375 before realizing his new golf buddy was an undercover police officer
A breakthrough in law-enforcement came to Lieutenant Barnes when he realized how many violations he witnessed while hanging out with his buddies off-duty. “Whether it’s something as common as talking on a cell phone while driving, littering, j-walking, or something more serious such as drunk driving, discharging a firearm within the city limits, or recreational marijuana use, I’ve witnessed tens of hundreds of crimes committed by the very guys I regularly hang out with. Then it came to me, what if we befriended ordinary citizens to monitor their behavior?”
When the city commissioner, Henry LeRoy, first heard the idea from Barnes, he was skeptical, but quickly changed his mind when he realized that revenue could potentially double or triple with the new system in place. “I was ready to trade that old 2009 Magnum police cruiser in for a 2010 Mercedes Brabus,” the commissioner said with a grin as he twirled the keys to his new German automobile. The pilot program began with just 5 police offers who hung out at parks, churches, or golf courses, and befriended seemingly regular, law-abiding citizens. They would spend time with the same individual or group of individuals until they witnessed them committing a crime, such as collecting abandoned hummingbird nests, smoking in public, or not buckling up. They would then announce that they were an undercover police officer and write a ticket, warning their “friend” not to commit that crime in the future. The police officer would then terminate the relationship, free to “befriend” another criminal.
Now the program has been expanded to 50 police officers, many of whom will remain “friends” with their assigned criminal for months, keeping a detailed log of all violations. “I have this one guy for dozens of misdemeanors, with fines totaling several thousands dollars. It’s amazing what people will do and confess to when they think they’re confiding in their new best friend,” one undercover operative told us, under the condition of anonymity, as the “friendship” was ongoing.
Some watchdog groups have stated this behavior is reprehensible and violates an individuals right to privacy. However, the majority of law enforcement officials state that it is comparable to undercover officers posing as drug dealers or unmarked police cars. “If we didn’t have undercover police posing as friends, it would be nearly impossible to ensure that criminals come to a complete and total stop at an otherwise empty intersection in the middle of the country,” LeRoy argues.
However, not everyone is opposed to the new program. Wilma McDougfry, a city resident, had witnessed joggers spitting in the street for years as they ran by her house. “Several nice policeman became jogging buddies with the vagrants; after they witnessed first hand the same lewd spitting I’d seen for years, they promptly wrote a ticket for $20. No one spits on my street anymore,” Ms. McDougfry said with satisfaction.
Despite one citizen approving of the program, it has had unintended consequences. Take Fred Jones, an actuarial analyst for Webster, Webster and Cohen, a prestigious investment bank located downtown. “I used to commute to work with anyone on my floor who needed a ride,” recalls Mr. Jones. But now he will only commute alone, and drive 5 mph under the speed limit. “One day, ‘Bill’ was late getting out of his apartment, so we were running late to work. I went about 7 miles per hour over the limit to make up the time. When I parked in the company lot and started to get out, ‘Bill’ notified me that I was seen going 45 in a 35 zone, and issued me a speeding ticket for $120. Next time I’ll think twice before I give someone a ride to work.”
Commissioner LeRoy's new Mercedes; funded by the undercover friend program.
Despite this, Commissioner LeRoy defends the program, “At one time, we only upgraded our patrol fleet once every 2 years or so with some crap American cars with vinyl seats. Now, we can get a new fleet from Mercedes-Benz or BMW every six months. We’re talking fully loaded with premium packages. Besides, wouldn’t you rather live in a city where only the police can break the laws?” The program has been so successful, that the Governor is proposing deploying undercover police statewide in an effort to balance the budget, as an alternative to cutting government spending or income taxes.
*This is a satirical post.*
