Telthorst.net

From the Wall Street Journal:

Officials gather in Copenhagen this week for an international climate summit, but business leaders are focusing even more on Washington, where the Obama administration is expected as early as Monday to formally declare carbon dioxide a dangerous pollutant.¹

The Obama administration has also determined that humans, along with many other animals, exhale this dangerous pollutant, CO2.  Therefore, in addition to widespread taxes on heating, air conditioning, electricity, and other comforts, there will be a cap on how much CO2 an individual will be able to exhale.  Individuals that exceed the quota will be fined.  However, not all businesses or people are upset by the new legislation.  Climate change prophet Al Gore and several of his acolytes have developed a wearable CO2 mask (pictured below) that will trap and store exhaled CO2.  Gore is hailing the legislation as “long overdue,” “what must be done,” “good for business,” and “convenient.”

The mask themselves will cost $1,000, and capsules that store the CO2 will cost $50, these capsules should last approximately 22 hours under normal operating conditions.  When asked if profiting from a global “crisis,” was unethical, and perhaps even capitalistic, the multimillionaire, Gore had this to say:

“I am very happy to be able to offer these masks at a such an affordable rate.  Much of the proceeds will go towards global climate change awareness initiatives, such as when I fly around in my private, fossil fuel burning plane and give PowerPoint presentations.”

The removable storage capsules for the masks, when full, can be returned to Gore’s temple for CO2 storage and capsule recycling.  When asked why Gore did not wear the mask, he stated that he was rich enough to purchase climate indulgences, also known as carbon credits, so that he offsets his carbon exhalation, adding that his firm also sells these indulgences, the proceeds of which also go towards raising global warming awareness initiatives.

*This is a satirical post.*

However, the quote from the Wall Street Journal is real, and Al Gore has profited a  great deal from a “climate change hysteria.”

1. http://online.wsj.com/article/SB126013960013179181.html?mod=WSJ_hps_MIDDLESecondNews#articleTabs=article [↩]

I’m a college student, which means I don’t have a full time job, I don’t have any money, and I have some sizable student loans.  However, all that is going to change, at least the part about not having any money.  Sure, I’ve heard people say, “if something is too good to be true, it probably is,” but that was before the interwebs.  I’ve recently gotten two great e-mails that I know are going to set me up for life!

Last month, I got this e-mail from Mr. Vincent Cheng, the Chairmain of the Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation Limited.  He sent me a confidential brief, which I’ve included below:

I followed up with Mr. Cheng, and apparently I just needed to help with a legal bank transfer of 30.5 million dollars and would get to keep 60% of the funds!  I told him I was extremely interested in helping, and would do whatever he wanted.  I also told him that I didn’t need 60% of 30.5 million, I only wanted $30,000, and to be considered for an entry level postion at the Hong Kong and Shangahi Banking Corporation Limited.  But for some reason after I e-mailed him with that request, he never got back to me.  I can’t figure out why, I guess because I didn’t want 60% of the money and he was insulted?  I was disappointed at first, until I got another e-mail, and this one is even better!  A copy of it can be found below:

More than $1.7 billion is a lot more than 60% of 30.5 million!  I just need to apply before the 27th of October and I’ll be set.  I’m going to take whatever they offer me this time, because I learned from last time, that people who are going to give you millions of dollars don’t want you to work for them, or have you take less than they offer, they just want you to keep the money.  I’ll let you know how it goes, and if I have time, I’ll have the butler I’m going to hire take a picture of the yacht I’m going to buy!

*This is a satirical post.*

I don’t actually think that these offers will make me rich.  I did e-mail “Mr. Cheng” to see what would happen.