Officials gather in Copenhagen this week for an international climate summit, but business leaders are focusing even more on Washington, where the Obama administration is expected as early as Monday to formally declare carbon dioxide a dangerous pollutant.¹

The Obama administration has also determined that humans, along with many other animals, exhale this dangerous pollutant, CO2.  Therefore, in addition to widespread taxes on heating, air conditioning, electricity, and other comforts, there will be a cap on how much CO2 an individual will be able to exhale.  Individuals that exceed the quota will be fined.  However, not all businesses or people are upset by the new legislation.  Climate change prophet Al Gore and several of his acolytes have developed a wearable CO2 mask (pictured below) that will trap and store exhaled CO2.  Gore is hailing the legislation as “long overdue,” “what must be done,” “good for business,” and “convenient.”

The mask themselves will cost $1,000, and capsules that store the CO2 will cost $50, these capsules should last approximately 22 hours under normal operating conditions.  When asked if profiting from a global “crisis,” was unethical, and perhaps even capitalistic, the multimillionaire, Gore had this to say:

“I am very happy to be able to offer these masks at a such an affordable rate.  Much of the proceeds will go towards global climate change awareness initiatives, such as when I fly around in my private, fossil fuel burning plane and give PowerPoint presentations.”

The removable storage capsules for the masks, when full, can be returned to Gore’s temple for CO2 storage and capsule recycling.  When asked why Gore did not wear the mask, he stated that he was rich enough to purchase climate indulgences, also known as carbon credits, so that he offsets his carbon exhalation, adding that his firm also sells these indulgences, the proceeds of which also go towards raising global warming awareness initiatives.

*This is a satirical post.*

However, the quote from the Wall Street Journal is real, and Al Gore has profited a  great deal from a “climate change hysteria.”

1. http://online.wsj.com/article/SB126013960013179181.html?mod=WSJ_hps_MIDDLESecondNews#articleTabs=article

Last month, I got this e-mail from Mr. Vincent Cheng, the Chairmain of the Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation Limited.  He sent me a confidential brief, which I’ve included below:

I followed up with Mr. Cheng, and apparently I just needed to help with a legal bank transfer of 30.5 million dollars and would get to keep 60% of the funds!  I told him I was extremely interested in helping, and would do whatever he wanted.  I also told him that I didn’t need 60% of 30.5 million, I only wanted $30,000, and to be considered for an entry level postion at the Hong Kong and Shangahi Banking Corporation Limited.  But for some reason after I e-mailed him with that request, he never got back to me.  I can’t figure out why, I guess because I didn’t want 60% of the money and he was insulted?  I was disappointed at first, until I got another e-mail, and this one is even better!  A copy of it can be found below:

More than $1.7 billion is a lot more than 60% of 30.5 million!  I just need to apply before the 27th of October and I’ll be set.  I’m going to take whatever they offer me this time, because I learned from last time, that people who are going to give you millions of dollars don’t want you to work for them, or have you take less than they offer, they just want you to keep the money.  I’ll let you know how it goes, and if I have time, I’ll have the butler I’m going to hire take a picture of the yacht I’m going to buy!

*This is a satirical post.*

I don’t actually think that these offers will make me rich.  I did e-mail “Mr. Cheng” to see what would happen.

Bob (left) hung out with "Fred" (right) for months, racking up fines in excess of $5,375 before realizing his new golf buddy was an undercover police officer

A breakthrough in law-enforcement came to Lieutenant Barnes when he realized how many violations he witnessed while hanging out with his buddies off-duty. “Whether it’s something as common as talking on a cell phone while driving, littering, j-walking, or something more serious such as drunk driving, discharging a firearm within the city limits, or recreational marijuana use, I’ve witnessed tens of hundreds of crimes committed by the very guys I regularly hang out with. Then it came to me, what if we befriended ordinary citizens to monitor their behavior?”

When the city commissioner, Henry LeRoy, first heard the idea from Barnes, he was skeptical, but quickly changed his mind when he realized that revenue could potentially double or triple with the new system in place. “I was ready to trade that old 2009 Magnum police cruiser in for a 2010 Mercedes Brabus,” the commissioner said with a grin as he twirled the keys to his new German automobile. The pilot program began with just 5 police offers who hung out at parks, churches, or golf courses, and befriended seemingly regular, law-abiding citizens. They would spend time with the same individual or group of individuals until they witnessed them committing a crime, such as collecting abandoned hummingbird nests, smoking in public, or not buckling up. They would then announce that they were an undercover police officer and write a ticket, warning their “friend” not to commit that crime in the future. The police officer would then terminate the relationship, free to “befriend” another criminal.

Now the program has been expanded to 50 police officers, many of whom will remain “friends” with their assigned criminal for months, keeping a detailed log of all violations. “I have this one guy for dozens of misdemeanors, with fines totaling several thousands dollars. It’s amazing what people will do and confess to when they think they’re confiding in their new best friend,” one undercover operative told us, under the condition of anonymity, as the “friendship” was ongoing.

Some watchdog groups have stated this behavior is reprehensible and violates an individuals right to privacy. However, the majority of law enforcement officials state that it is comparable to undercover officers posing as drug dealers or unmarked police cars. “If we didn’t have undercover police posing as friends, it would be nearly impossible to ensure that criminals come to a complete and total stop at an otherwise empty intersection in the middle of the country,” LeRoy argues.

However, not everyone is opposed to the new program.  Wilma McDougfry, a city resident, had witnessed joggers spitting in the street for years as they ran by her house.  “Several nice policeman became jogging buddies with the vagrants; after they witnessed first hand the same lewd spitting I’d seen for years, they promptly wrote a ticket for $20.  No one spits on my street anymore,” Ms. McDougfry said with satisfaction.

Despite one citizen approving of the program, it has had unintended consequences.  Take Fred Jones, an actuarial analyst for Webster, Webster and Cohen, a prestigious investment bank located downtown.  “I used to commute to work with anyone on my floor who needed a ride,” recalls Mr. Jones.  But now he will only commute alone, and drive 5 mph under the speed limit.  “One day, ‘Bill’ was late getting out of his apartment, so we were running late to work.  I went about 7 miles per hour over the limit to make up the time.  When I parked in the company lot and started to get out, ‘Bill’ notified me that I was seen going 45 in a 35 zone, and issued me a speeding ticket for $120.  Next time I’ll think twice before I give someone a ride to work.”

Commissioner LeRoy's new Mercedes; funded by the undercover friend program.

Despite this, Commissioner LeRoy defends the program, “At one time, we only upgraded our patrol fleet once every 2 years or so with some crap American cars with vinyl seats.  Now, we can get a new fleet from Mercedes-Benz or BMW every six months.  We’re talking fully loaded with premium packages.  Besides, wouldn’t you rather live in a city where only the police can break the laws?”  The program has been so successful, that the Governor is proposing deploying undercover police statewide in an effort to balance the budget, as an alternative to cutting government spending or income taxes.

*This is a satirical post.*

]]> http://www.telthorst.net/ext/2009/06/revolutionary-undercover-police-program/feed/ 0 http://www.telthorst.net/ext/2009/05/everyone-should-switch-to-linux/ http://www.telthorst.net/ext/2009/05/everyone-should-switch-to-linux/#comments Wed, 20 May 2009 18:39:33 +0000 John http://www.telthorst.net/ext/?p=591 Everyone should switch to Linux. If you don’t think so, this video will change your mind. I’m currently running Linux on my own Beowulf cluster of atomic supermen. Originally posted on ubergeek.tv.

Carlos (right) is a C student, but he knows that even if he fails his next test, Ernesto (pictured left, an A student) will make up the difference

Therefore, it is important to distribute grades to ensure fairness and equality amongst students. It will also prevent good students from capitalizing on their good grades and unfairly being offered higher paying jobs than those who received lower marks, or failed out of school.

For example: Susie gets a 97 out of 100 on a test, an A, but Bobby, a poor student, gets a 78 out of 100, a C! Two of Susie’s points should be distributed to Bobby so that he gets an 80, a B, and Susie still has an A. Everyone wins.

Another example: lets say that Gertrude receives a 98 / 100 on a test, while Billy and Fredrick get a 52 and 60 respectively. Billy has an F and Fredrick has a D. Gertrude can distribute 28 of her points, which bumps her down to a 70, a C, and using those points, she can give Fredrick 10 points, bumping him up to a C, and she can give Billy 18 points, which will bump him up to a C as well. Everyone gets a passing grade!

Having read these basic examples, it’s easy to see that everyone is better off when grades are distributed from students receiving higher grades, to other students with lower grades, so that everyone gets by. It’s time for the “straight A students” to start showing a little school spirit and helping out their fellow classmates in the form of sharing their grades.

*This is a satirical post.*